Rozpacz i dekadencja. Na zielono.

Winter catatonia

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 10:56:15 GMT

I'd rather not speak.

I'd rather stay silent.

I'd rather stay under the covers for a long time, with only a piece of skin between you and me.

I'd rather have my winter sleep thank look at this whiteness, desperately trying to remind me what the colour of my face should be, but isn't.

I'd rather assure you that I haven't forgotten about who I am. And I know who you are.

Do you mind, Dearest?

The Messenger

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 23:06:20 GMT

got a letter from a messenger
i read it when it came
it said that you were wounded
you were bound and chained
you had love and you were handled
you were poisoned you were pained
oh no, oh no you were naked
you were shamed

you could almost touch heaven
right there in front of you
liberty just slipped away on us
now there's so much work to do
oh the door that closes tightly
is the door than can swing wide
oh no, not expecting to collide

for a minute i let my guard down
not afraid to be found out
i completely forgot dear
what our fears were all about
oh no,oh no there's no need to be without

if there's a chance i would take it, TAKE IT!!
this desire i can't kill, NO !
take my heart please don't break it, break it!!
i will crawl to your foothill

i'm frightened but i'm coming
please baby please lay still !!!
oh no i'm not coming for the kill
oh no i'm not coming for the kill
oh no i'm not coming for the kill

***
Wherever You are.

Whatever You're doing.

Whoever You are.

Whatever Your reasons were.

Happy Birthday, hun :)

***

Tomorrow is another anniversary. What a month :>

Will.

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 01:20:16 GMT

I've finished translating a 5 page document. I told myself that I can be arsed to do it and I was. Yay me. The healing process continues - next challenge - get up for the lecture at 8am and prepare a lesson for the kid during the gap at uni.

Livelivelivelive.

Phew, good night.

Up up and away

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 01:01:49 GMT

The night is significantly colder and it starts to feel as if it was November already. I remind myself the sharpness of autumn air and thick mists hovering between the sidewalk and the street lamps.

Why this sudden leap forward? Of course it's a song. It roughly translates to 'Boys made of dynamite'

All the time, we're cold
We let our bodies stay so
We argue with our own malfunctions

I didn't want to rhyme that, sorry. I just wanted to translate the lyrics at least roughly into Common. Yes, our little modern Latin. So cover your long ears and read it as it is.

I decided to have a time trial on this one. I don't feel at ease at all so I guess that producing massive walls of text will help me forget that I should be asleep. I have developed the unnerving habit of staying up at least till 2am. Unfortunately, this thing tends to stretch in space in time.

At least I am not in game.

I feel very guilty at the moment, but the warmth of my fingers against the keyboard reminds me that I'm still the one who's alive and capable of making decisions. It's odd, as my hands would always get very cold after using the computer for a long time. Perhaps it's the laptop architecture that helps to keep them warm. There must be one helluva party going on down there, with volcanoes and barbecues.

I've spent the last minute madly skipping through songs. I shrug and shiver, trying to decide what sound fits my ears best.

Why the sudden urge to write? Perhaps it's the translating warm up I got earlier. I just hope it's not a scam and I can take M. to the cinema...

My back hurts but there is no way I'm going to bed. It just seems like a waste of time on those last days of freedom. Not to mention, that I wasted the grand majority of these days.

I lost focus in my eyes for a moment, it amazes me that it takes them 5 seconds to recharge and perceive again,readily.

Images and words. I won?

Nah, time's up. It's a tie.

what are those little fucklits that plop out of the ground there?

Sat, 01 Aug 2009 17:45:08 GMT

Trees.

Such simple an answer, but the thing was about arch like structures near the fountain. I got to meet my 'brother', a friend I met on IRC and in-game. He's around 2,5h away by train, so it's not that bad and we finally had the chance to talk irl. Conclusions? He's not a psycho (at least he kept his guard up) in a bad sense and we get on without the cyberspace around as well.

How comforting. I should push myself to write. I HAVE written a story already. Now to write more, to press on.

M is away on a wedding. The more away she is, the more oxygenless I feel.

That's it for now - ending here not to go over the edge. Basically I'm resurrecting my writing habits.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I am spinning!

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 00:54:40 GMT

You are The Wheel of Fortune

Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of
intoxication with success

The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

There's no use in saying...

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 00:40:16 GMT

... That I am a lazy ass bastard that does not find time to write new stuff on the blog. In fact I have a shitload of time on my hands. I just cannot manage it properly. I guess it may be due to the fact that I can't really mamage simple things.

I have noticed, of recently, that I tend to stay up very long. The deeper in the night, the more fucked up my ideas become, the quicker I think, the more ideas I have. I just wish I wasn't so tired after a day of doing nothing again, that I couldn't move my ass to write things down and so on.

Oh dear. I love Lanois' simple/poetic lyrics.

I stand on the edge, not fearing the fall, you're like a fleece like a new sole - get my drift? That's like... Two different words, yet still, that might be called reality. Where poetry meets the garbage can.

I'm quite happy, since I wrote a story. Twas' heavily based on in-game logs, but I finished it. It's a strange feeling when you finish a story. It's like sending your kid to school. lulz.

I should be working on another one now, the one less based on logs... But the amount of RP is so immense that I find it hard to sit down and just write it. Well, let's see...

I can make it. Right? I'll make it complex, so I can make it.

And if it's simple... Can I handle it?

Teach me, I know I'm not a hopeless case :) :*

another meme...

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 20:25:55 GMT

stolen from markerdoodle

1. Anyone who looks at this entry has to post this meme and their current wallpaper.
2. Explain in five sentences why you're using that wallpaper!
3. Don't change your wallpaper before doing this! The point is to see what you had on!

1. Green is good for your eyes and I figured I'm bored of black in the back background.
2. I love 'demotywatory.pl'
3. I have no motivation to learn and I spend my time doing nothing useful
4. I like latest phrases to be put in meaningful contexts
5. I heard a good Jesus joke today xD

Dot dee do

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 21:42:55 GMT

Stolen from khaoskomix LJ

The problem with Live Journal is that we all think we are so close, but really, we know nothing about each other. Hence, I want you to ask me something you think you should know about me. Something that should be obvious, but you have no idea about. Then post this in your LJ and find out what people don’t know about you.

And the funniest thing is...

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 20:30:09 GMT

...I was supposed to get married yesterday.

It doesn't matter that 07.06.09 was a Sunday. I would devote all my life to a person I thought to be the one.

I'm glad I didn't

...

Saturday evening, lazyness, lack of drive to study, even though I should.

Come, please, come. I'm alone

But

No matter

If...

Nah, they won't.

I found a way to camouflage myself under the bed in case of emergency. I cooked lunch for you, I did the washing up. And we had those little healthy study breaks, yes.

I'm pepperised on a steady dosage. The exam shall swing its axe at my head tomorrow.

And I still do not know half the guys we were talking about. How is it possible to know a name if it is nothing but letters and a date? How can I possibly know the person?

Oh, I got a rose today, a rose of appreciation. For teaching.

The roles switch. The calcium in my bones makes me feel so old...

Ah, yes, the notes.

Sat, 06 Jun 2009 09:40:41 GMT

Lit exam on Tuesday.

Gotta study... I translated an article on neurology last night... Facet joints, lumbar disc hernations, yay.

Now on to Shakespeare.

I write, cause I haven't been here for a while and it sucks.

Sat, 30 May 2009 19:13:10 GMT

FUCK!

LJ just ate my three lines of LJ goodness.

I was just saying that I'm having a nice cuppatea. And that the dog is sniffing around my delivered box of Dr Pepper. Well, she isn't now, but was a while ago, just when LJ decided to start again.

Erase and rewind.

Anyway, I spent the day quite constructively, which is an obvious achievement, in the age of Alex the CBA. Perhaps that's because I could start the day with M? I'm prone to think so. Her smile brightens it all up.

I was in a good mood when I left the lesson. Yeah, I was teaching today, a new boy. It turned out that he's quite smart, just needs some pointers and clarification, I'm lucky to have clever kids as students.

When I was waiting for a bus home, I called M. Now, since her Dad already knows (and I'm not welcome there anymore, sigh.) we had to cut on phonecalls and messengers. We still have texting, which saves the day.

I decided to put down an amusing vision. The talk was about downloading music from the internet vs buying albums etc. I told her that if I was to write my awesome book and everyone would just download an e-book for free, there would be NO FANCY CASTLE IN IRELAND HELLO! :<

Then I reminded her, that if we are to own such a thing, we'd need to share with Mum. Which leads to a conclusion, that the castle would need to be of gothic origin... Thick walls and so on. We take the eastern wing, Mum takes the western wing... And we take the basement, too?

But why?

Well, you know, a little torture chamber...?

Oh,Honey, so there's more to that than (insert innocent ideas here)

Well, I thought you can tie me up when I'm on my PMS, and tell the locals that the castle is haunted, while I wail and writhe in chains, we'd make a lot of money in case of writing failure...

ROFLMAO ^^

Oh, that's a change.

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 08:17:01 GMT

You are The Hermit

Prudence, Caution, Deliberation.

The Hermit points to all things hidden, such as knowledge and inspiration,hidden enemies. The illumination is from within, and retirement from participation in current events.

The Hermit is a card of introspection, analysis and, well, virginity. You do not desire to socialize; the card indicates, instead, a desire for peace and solitude. You prefer to take the time to think, organize, ruminate, take stock. There may be feelings of frustration and discontent but these feelings eventually lead to enlightenment, illumination, clarity.

The Hermit represents a wise, inspirational person, friend, teacher, therapist. This a person who can shine a light on things that were previously mysterious and confusing.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Pull that little trigger, send me on my way

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 08:09:36 GMT

Just one shot starts a canonade. From the joyous travel through the barrell, spreading the deathangel wings, up to the point where our sense of guilt slowly disappears into the air as an inconscpicuous line of smoke.

I heard a piece of music from Jedi Academy yesterday and the chain reaction started immediately. At first my associations moved to 'whoah the Return of the Jedi' sort of things. Soon after I began to think about the crucialities of role-playing that are often cruelly ignored by gamers... Instantly, the light and the dark side of the Force helped me to put things on the scales and form a action-reaction course.

Finally, my dreams (apart from being the everyday abstract stuff...) were filled with glorious visions of myself mastering the ability tu push and pull objects with the help of the Force. And Death Star appeared on the sky.

And the world was about to be created, so Mother Mary buried herself deep into the landscape, to give birth to it. And then she and Jesus argued why didn't they make Draenei as a race on earth...

Elves, ftw.

It takes just a little trigger...

As we liked it... it's all over til the Midsummer's Night (Dream)

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 23:21:43 GMT

And here we are...

Saturday being the last performance, the date set for the cast party could have only been tonight.

We attended, we attended, though I really had to be cautious, because... well let's face it: I never felt so tempted to shed away our little curtain of privacy and just snuggle up against you like an adopted pup.

Sigh.

I can't wait for the dvd of the production. I hope they include my scences from the 4th night... 'Tis true that when you play for the family - you give your best.

Enough of tired gibberish. But I'm glad that I at least wrote something :)

Hello Mr. Obvious

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 19:23:55 GMT

Today is the joyful day!

Today, the overwhelming love and happiness that Little Alex is experiencing met Reality. But not in a bad way. I just reminded myself that there are others around me, who do not live on kisses and sighs,but need rest,respect, food and attention.

How strange that being happy makes you temporarily blind to such things.

Of course I feel ashamed but I feel reinforced in a way. I know I'm learning. And I know that You are as well.

Things will always change and we already know that. But we need to keep up the pace. We'll learn, we don't know everything, and being aware of that will only help.

Keats, Shelley, forgive us.

Siiigh

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 21:10:10 GMT

But a happy sigh, mind You. A content one.

So much to write about, such a short attention span. It's partly because I'm tired and working on the production of As You Like It. Our little uni theatre, the Spinning Globe is working on the play and we're going to perform it three times next week :D

I had a really, really nice dinner tonight. And no, not all by myself. There's this relatively new Indian place in the Old Town (YAY!)so we decided to go posh and try it out.

Marvelous. I've always dreamed about talking for long hours about the world, anything and everything, in a flow of intelligent, entertaining conversation.

I almost thought it would never happen... but it did. And it is truly possible. Like a dream.

I had tears of happyness in my eyes. Just looking into those jades of yours.

The mist was hanging low just above the river. We walked slowly and carelessly, happy that our arses are not freezing. At last. The very shy Ms. Spring is showing off some flesh...

Hesitant embraces, low whispers.

What amazes me is that we find innocence even when we both know sparks fly and passion flows...

And it felt like the first time all over again.

I smile. And I think about those green, sparkling eyes... That whisper of yours '...impossible!'

Anything is possible. The more motley fool I, that I believe it.

Again.

Learning to fail.

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 23:49:09 GMT

Somewhere in South America… I’m not quite sure whether it was Brazil, Argentina or another country. Amy was very reluctant to give away any details. And I couldn’t possibly blame her for being secretive. Empty spaces left by understatement were perfect to fill them up with my own vision. She would say that if I ever write it down, I’ll probably colour it a bit, here and there, to make it look prettier than it in fact was.

Dobra, nienawidzę przypuszczeń i ciągłego braku pewności siebie w moich zdaniach… Leżałam teraz w wannie, o wiele dłużej niż pierwotnie planowałam i przypomniałam sobie tą małą scenę. Co z tego, jeśli po chwili pisania ogarnia mnie poczucie zaszczucia we własnej klatce?

Guess, maybe, perhaps, could, would, should and so on. I don’t want to be uncertain and insecure all the time… And I don’t want to be dry and factual either.

FFS

I’m tired. I’ll try again tomorrow. Learning to fail,hell yeah.

And now it's time for some sublime.

Let me present to you - English Philology Promo Show

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 20:28:55 GMT

There we were, answering questions, seducing newcomers, cracking jokes and showing Achmed the Dead Terrorist to some oblivious members of staff.

Great time, great stuff, and my knees are hurting again, since it's been a while from the last time I had to stand on my legs for so long.

March is the month of cats. They purr, dance and meow meow meow.

And we hunger for the time
Time to heal, desire time
And our earth moves beneath
Our own dream landscape :)

A sort of homecoming, for sure :)

Hmmmm....

Sat, 24 Jan 2009 02:44:20 GMT

I think it's time to go to sleep.

I have been watching True Blood. I have written and translated a formal letter for a paid assignment.

Sitting in darkness, coughing that strange thing that's been grazing my throat since midday. Thinking about those green sparkling eyes.

It's so near yet...

One of those nights when I'm physically unable to go to sleep and I just stay up and type bullshit.

Mythbusting

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 19:07:17 GMT

There are many theories about university students in Poland. Of course some of them are complete rubbish...

One of them, however, is true. A student is always hungry. That's a fact. Getting a student into a state of feeling pleasantly fed is a difficult task, yet extremely satisfying.

Another fact - students are always poor. Counting every penny in order to...BUY FOOD. The ultimate goal of our modest money earning endeavours.

When one combines the above statements, we face the epic : The Quest for Food.

Today, good Uncle Vladimir Ganjalf the Green shared some of his MacDonald's coupons with us... How benevolent of him! Me and M decided,that we'll use it for lunch after creative writing classes. We started to count the money... We had some photocopying to to as well, which was a priority...

Then we counted our scarce vault contents... We had 19.95zl... the two sets were 20.

5 groszy. 5 friggin groszy. Like 5 pennies.

The easiest way would be to find even a small 10 gr coin...no, nowhere. On our way to CW class I found 1 gr. Then in my wallet, miraculously 2gr...

So that's 2gr left.

Damn.

Wait! The fountain!!! We peeked in. No water, just some left-over snow. Hey, it's money there! That looks like 5gr, doesn't it? Yeah...

Are we...
Well, do we have a choice?
We can give up.
No, I'm hungry.
So am I.
Then I'll take that out.
Oh, you want...
I will.
Noo...
Wanna bet?
Sure.
A beer.
Deal

And M took the friggin coin from the snow xD Then we went to McD only to realise we have around 10 gr extra.

Yay for fountain-robbing!

You know, Baby...
Yeah...?
Let's give it back when we have a chance... I mean a coin like this.
Okay, we will. We will, Hun.
Good.

A squeeze of hand. Like a beat of two hearts being one.

NOM IS DELISHUS

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 22:50:24 GMT

Three words that have really lightened up my day. Many meanings, many interpretations. And of course, many different noms, each being special.

I've just finished preparing stuff for tomorrow. I've got 20 more minutes to enjoy the day fading away, only to make space for another one. I just had half a mug of cold, milky coffee. Perhaps that was kinda suicidal... Since I really want to get some sleep tonight. Nah, doesn't matter. I guess I'm tired enough to go to sleep like a baby anyway.

The tastes...the smells. All around me. Strolling in and out of our little world and visiting me when You're away. I sure as hell smile a lot today. I smile a lot more than I used to.

There's this bubbling feeling inside my brain-o-jellish cauldron that utters 'write, write, write' But I guess I'll tease it for a bit more. So far I'm trying to cut on my online hours and divide time into reading my academic stuffsies, spending time with Mum and Sis and do things I'm supposed to. Apart from the obvious. I like to have time for things. Like today for example.

Yes...Something good is in the making, definitely :)

Some of the pieces from WOTLK soundtrack are chilling. Especially Arthas, My Son...

And Mountains of Thunder are just beautiful.

13 minutes left. Yeah, I decided I should get at least 6 hours of sleep. Alex is becoming decent (haha, yeah, right ;p) these days. No more staying up online, grinding away like there's no tomorrow. Tomorrow comes soon and brings me the Truth in all her glory. New challenges, new quests, new situations that we face together.

Pwning reality brings an entirely new and tingly feeling. I think they call it satisfaction.

Night :)

I wish I could warm up enough to start writing...

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 00:42:34 GMT

At last... It's late and calm enough... I love this silence, violated only by my typing and previously Bloc Party's latest album - Intimacy (which is gradually starting to grow on me...) and now M's voice. We decided to keep in touch in a way that allows us to have constant contact without using the internet.
So we got starters for the same network...unlimited text cheap, unlimited calls cheap... And now she's telling me about her plans for later...making notes and general moaning about not having time do anything...

Blaaah... I feel this urge to write sparking somewhere inside. Heh...I just physically felt hugged. That's always nice. Warm and reassurring.

Now I'm distracted. And more sleepy. I think I'll end here. Blah :<

U2's NEW ALBUM IS COMING SOON!!! 2nd March yes yes yes!!! And the single is coming on 16th February :D :D :D :D

YAY!

Quiet hums and antibiotics

Fri, 09 Jan 2009 23:16:50 GMT

I haven't been listening to a lot of music recently, which is a bit strange, and a tad not-like-me. Tonight after I saw M off to her bus, I put in headphones and shuffled through the random tracks on Mr.Green. They sounded sort of alien, I have no clue why, but they seemed new and unexplored to my ears. Intriguing.

I have been bedridden since Tuesday, unfortunately. My throat decided it will not produce sounds any more and shut down completely. M dragged me to a doctor and I got a nice bunch of antibiotics and other crap I ABSOLUTELY DESPISE. I hate taking pills. Can stand this feeling of my natural immunity systems being violated. But I guess the nasty virus violated them in the first place so why whine?

Usually I'm healthy, really strong and holding on. But when it gets me, it's strong and doesn't want to let go.

I realise that this entry is probably dead boring and kinda unproductive, but I'm still not back from the dead in a way. I keep on thinking.

Why the hell? What did I do wrong? What is evil in our little scrap of happiness? Why do you keep on forcing your ideas of fate into it? Why not believe her and just let it go?

Without problems life would be boring. I'll bite my lip and tell helplessness to fuck off. I think I'm gonna do some dreaming instead. The cover and the blanket are all tangled up.

Theatrical coughs OH BTWWWWWWW!!!! We're doing 'As You Like It' by Shakespeare in our Spinning Globe theatre at uni :D I'm gonna play Touchstone the Clown... I'm soooo happy about it :D

New ways to cure a nasty cold

Frantic showers
Eating Bounty
Wearing those funny, but warm, tights
Smiles, warmth, coffee, home.

Let's just go to sleep, we have all the time in the world, don't we?

Edit: Got rid of a nasty Freudian slip xD

ANGER

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 23:18:24 GMT

ANGER.
ANGER.
ANGER.
ANGER.
ANGER.
ANGER.
ANGER.
ANGER.
ANGER.
ANGER.
ANGER.

NEVER
EVER
DO
THAT
AGAIN.